微笑、只是个表情，与快乐无关。
This was the phrase that I noted the other day from my friend’s status, which it strikes quite hard into my heart now. I am not one who can hide my sorrow well, but lately when it comes to talk about “release” the feelings, it does makes me feel… “strengthless”.
There’s some kind of feelings bother me these days, and it makes my mood super swingy, have to say, it makes me quite emo. Any other minor incidents would activate all my bad cells.
When people ask “Why”. I can just fake a smile and said, something that really minor that messed up my days. I wanted to tell, I wanted to share, I wanted to have someone who would really understand my feelings and let me lean on. But I can’t, because deep down I know, that everything bothers me is self inflicted. You know that when you tell people, they would rather say: “ Why on earth you wanna make your life yourself so miserable, that is really NOTHING”. And if you keeps on telling, it is something real bothering people, and people would rather laugh at you.
Well, I am 22 and somehow I can make a very rational analysis to what is happening to me, and that I should not let it bothers me THAT much. But well, when something which you find no one to share with, you find that it will grows stronger each day. No matter how hard you tried to shu it away, it remains, it stays, and grows, and that really makes your life miserable.
I am not the type of happy-go-lucky girl, how I wish I am. I am really mentally drained, for trying to physco myself stop that whatever I am feeling now. There is no point, it doesn't help to make things better. More than a million times I tell myself, it works for seconds, perhaps minutes, but not for long..
I wanted to cry out loud, it usually helps to ease the woes inside, but now I find problem to cry out REAL loud. Why? Have no idea.. Come to this point that I have to express here, it means, it is REALLY bothering me.
*Pray*......
3 comments:
Liew Phik phik.. why are u not mentioning anything today? or was it u feel that we will say that its self inflict?? =( *pat pat*
so sorry that i could not be there for u to lean.. Really have to find a weekend and I come puchong overnight at ur place..
Loneliness is a pretty hard issue....No matter how dark or lonely your life is, don't miss out on the real things that matters.
"Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be."
-Grandma moses
just happened to saw ur blog.. funny thing..as i was reading the S.O.S, i was looking at myself. At one point i almost or i did broke down and that time was the darkest moment of my life. That time i feel like not wanting to care anymore.
Its easy to say that "no matter how sad or happy you are you still have to live on, so why don't choose to be happy?". Talk is cheap..haha
When you feel like wanting to share with other ppl, it feels like you are trying to get sympathy from other ppl but sometimes you just wish ppl would just hug you and says that "you are not alone".
So i hope you wouldn't break down.. pray hard.. and just to let you know that you are not alone..haha. just to share with you a prayer. Hope that it can help to ease ur pain..^^
"O God, refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God, Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.
~'Abdu'l-Baha~"
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