Reminiscence.Stop & Stare

I had a bumpy week. With all the minor things happened and piled up, I "sorta" collapsed.


I am still the girl that being extremely sensitive, often overthinking and suffocates myself.


But am glad with all things happen, because with that, I have the chance to remind myself over and over again, "Phik, be stronger, be tough, don't let this feeling rule your world, don't make yourself mourn over someone who treats you as no one, don't make your life miserable over something that is actually nothing you can do".


I'm on holiday now, and prolly due to that I have more time to think, and let my angel and evil side fight with each other endlessly. Each time I am trying so hard to convince myself and beat the evil part~ I doubt if I am really facing it, but at least I am trying not to let this feeling taking control~ It's in fact each time that I have to struggle within, it actually strikes me deep down.


Then coincidentally I have this feeling to clean the old stuff in my drawer, and it is like another wake up call. I found a passage that I found and kept over years, almost a decade. It had me sit down and have a deep thought. 


I find myself that I have been actually trying so hard to please someone I care who apparently doesn't care whatever shit that going on with me in return. I should have notice this earlier, and because I thought its worthwhile, I just, care, and let every single hard feeling bothers me like over and over again and I have to struggle it over and over again.


Then, I stop, and stare, and realized that I am actually never pay attention to those who cares me, and those who really need my care. For these while I have been after something that I thought I should be, blindly, redundantly. 


From now on, I have another mission for my angel, to remind myself of how I feel today.... To look around, and treasure those who I really should.. Not those who take me as a passerby..